Fear

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you.”

I’ve been absent for a few months from blogging here on The Root Of Anger. I have been thinking about consolidating my blogs, but I’m not quite there yet. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about what the root of my anger really is. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it, but I was recently watching Star Wars Episode I, specifically the scene in which Yoda is speaking to a young Anakin Skywalker about fear. Like many of us, Anakin could not possibly see the far-reaching consequences of his fear. So many factors are involved in our sense of fear that some of us may not ever master it. I know I certainly haven’t.

This equation that was laid out is simple to follow. For example, I’m afraid of interacting with other people. I’m afraid that they’re going to do one of two things; become too familiar too quickly and start expecting things from me that I’m not willing (or able) to do OR they’ll judge and ridicule me. The fear of the outcome of interacting with other people eventually makes me feel angry – “Why can’t I have friends? Every time I try to make a friend, they suddenly think it’s ok to impose and I can’t say no without losing a friend, even if they’re a “bad” friend. What’s worse, when I hang out with friend Y, I feel worse after I leave their company than I did before. It seems that friend Y just needs a someone to be the punchline for the jokes .” These kinds of thoughts run rampant and unchecked in the mind of healthy and troubled people alike. The difference is that in a depressed mind, (mine, in this example) these thoughts are on a loop and they dig a deep rut into your emotional mind.

After the fear builds and festers, it starts a metamorphosis. It transforms directly from deep feelings of anger to equally deep feelings of hate. “I’m so weak, I can’t tell anyone no. I hate myself for not being stronger.” “Friend Y constantly teases me and makes jokes at my expense. I hate that SOB for treating me like that, but I hate myself even more for not standing up for myself. ” Hate is an excruciatingly  powerful emotion. It can drive you to do things in a mindset that, under normal circumstances, would scare you or at least severely disappoint you. That’s where the suffering comes in.

The suffering that comes from hate is all pervading in ones life. At least it has been for me. It seems to steal the joy from your life. Everything becomes more difficult. Your relationships with the ones you love are usually the hardest hit. In my experience, the reason for this is that you feel like you can talk in the most brutal ways to those closest to you, but  when it comes to strangers, you have to put on a face and an act so that you seem “normal” and approachable to those people. Talking this way to those closest to me makes me hate myself even more. You can see, I’m sure, that this hate that started with a relatively innocent desire to have friends or be socially active, has become a state of mind not unlike vat of foul greasy nastiness that you get to steep in all you want – whether you want to or not.

Depression, anxiety and a host of other issues can arise from feelings like this. This has been my experience, and it has consumed so much more of different parts of my life that I feel like I’ve lost so much time to do what’s really important in life.

There are ways, though, to begin to reign in the wild horses of our minds. Personally, I believe in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, appropriate medications, meditation and, if you are so inclined, a spiritual path. When it comes down to it, though, I can attest that fear, anger and hatred are things that you can rely on to be an integral part of your life. Whether or not you choose to take part in it is up to you.

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Jason

I'm a 36 year stay at home dad. I have multiple sclerosis, severe anxiety and depression disorders that I use medical marijuana for. My wife is also my caregiver; she helps me get things done that I can't do completely by myself anymore. I'm a techno-geek and a fan of anything that can be tinkered with.